Perry was a lucky guy to be married to two wonderful women, both of whom died of cancer after many years of marriage. Perry is nearly 86 years old, still living independently and full of life.   He has 9 children and step children and numerous grandkids. Here are his answers to my three questions:

Q:  Looking back from where you are at age 85, what is the most important lesson you’ve learned?

A: “ 1) To not take myself too seriously.

        2) Pay attention to and take care of service people – waiters and waitresses, hotel maids, etc.

        3) Keep  my mouth shut and listen more.”

Q: If you could pass on one thing to those younger folks who follow – something you wish you had learned or realized sooner – what would that be?

A: “To tell people that you love them.”

Q: What brings you happiness and joy and makes life worth living?

A: “My Health, Family, Friends, and Fly Fishing!” 

Perry has a great sense of humor and always a twinkle in his eye.  His wives Mary Lou and Francis taught him to cook and he’s always volunteering to bring home-cooked food or fish that he caught & smoked.  He is a great friend and a true inspiration to me and to many.

Mom ~ 1940 Jr College Graduation

October 11, 2009    

My mom is 89 and she lives now in a wonderful adult family home with the best of care. Her world is small. I’ve come to realize what a blessing this is for her. She was a respected university music professor in her working years, gifted in showing teachers how to teach music to children. In past years when I visited, her questions were about me and my work. These days I don’t think she remembers what I do and it really doesn’t matter. She’s proud of me “just because”.  Isn’t it funny that all that past striving to be important and valuable in her eyes, just isn’t important anymore.   

I walk in her room. She is lying on her neatly made bed, fully dressed with makeup and lipstick, her gray hair combed. A lifetime of good habits and routines serves her at this stage of her life when her memory is missing. Her eyes light up with delight and surprise when she sees me. I am grateful that she still knows me. I often look at her with a surprised look as though I walked in to the wrong room and I say “OH MY GOSH – you look JUST like my Mom!”  That’s guaranteed to get a giggle out of her and she says “Well I AM  your Mom”! She laughs and giggles in a sweet, almost childlike way. This innocent, delighted part of her has recently reappeared and I wonder how long ago it went in to hiding. Could be 80 years ago, or even more. Humor was not part of her daily life when I was growing up. I don’t think I ever heard her tell a joke and she was never one to participate in games. Now I notice how precious she is when she is giggling, perhaps her lack of capacities allows humor to touch and delight her in the present moment.   

Her world is her familiar sweet room with her neatly made bed, the Bible on the nightstand, pictures of her family nearby, the beautiful inlaid wood pictures she brought back from a sabbatical in Germany ….the pretty lace curtains and the little bird she sees sometimes out on the fence.  She doesn’t seem to wonder much about the outside world, and I’ve come to learn that the kindest thing I can do is come be with her HERE.  It is a struggle for her to go out in the car, and she does not find pleasure in the outside world anymore.  She’s content and she’s happy; in some ways the happiest and most relaxed I’ve ever seen her.   

She’s appreciative of the help from her caregivers, who she calls “my angels”, even though she doesn’t remember their names. She reads the Seattle Times and the Kittitas Daily Record every day and she enjoys it in the moment, even though she has no recollection of what she has read. I’m not sure it would matter if it was a new paper or the same one every day, but I think at some level she feels informed. I see to it that she has new papers every day. It’s what I would want.   

I shopped on her behalf for birthday cards for my two sisters and took them for her to sign. She carefully read each card aloud and said “what a lovely card”.  She then read the cards again, going back over the words and underlining a few….like “who you are”. She may not have cognitive skills, but at some level she knows what’s important.   

Today she looks at me sweetly and in a moment of puzzlement she asks who is older – me or her.  It is MY turn to giggle as I tell her that although I HAVE been getting older, that SHE is still older than I. It’s almost as though time stands still in her world. Perhaps her perception of time is just different now, with no “to-do” lists or tasks to be done. I realize that she does not remember what she looks like.  I wonder about my arrogance, thinking my perception of the world is the “real one”. Perhaps she is the wise one afterall.   

She wrote this on my sister’s birthday card: “Evie tells me I’m older than you are! (Still!) Lots of love from your Old Mom.”   

In past years Mom always wanted me to stay as long as possible…almost as though my time was proof of my love for her. These days it matters not how often I visit or how long I stay. Traditional time has no meaning to her now. I see that short visits are best for her and I can learn an important lesson in a moment.  She is delighted to be with me and content in her world, even when I am not near. I so hope she continues to remember me – at least my face.  

After a lifetime of working hard and being independent, now she’s learning to receive love and support from others.  I’m inclined to believe that maybe when she’s done learning what she came here to learn she’ll be allowed to go – perhaps to fly away in her sleep with a smile of contentment on her face. After a lifetime of teaching other people to sing, she’ll sing forevermore in a choir of angels.  I pray that her angels from this lifetime will move in with me.  

Perhaps one Blessing of Dementia is the opportunity to live life entirely in the present moment.  With no capacity for regret of the past or  worry about the future, life is just the “here and now”.

Sally Huss has been an artist all of her life. She was raised in Bakersfield, California where she took her first private oil painting lessons at the age of 10. She studied art at Occidental College, eventually graduating from the University of Southern California with a degree in Fine Arts.

At the same time Sally (Sally Moore) was developing her art skills, she was developing her tennis skills. She became National Junior Champion, a member of the U.S. Wightman Cup Team and a Wimbledon semi-finalist. As an accomplished tennis player Sally taught her special brand of Zen tennis to celebrity clients such as Barbra Streisand, Joel Grey, Jill St. John, Marilyn Bergman, Helen Reddy, Larry Hagman, Jack Jones, Milos Forman, among others. After playing the Virginia Slims Women’s Tennis Tour against tennis greats such as Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert, Sally became the head rackets pro at The Aspen Club in Colorado. There she hosted visiting celebrities, including Clint Eastwood, Merv Griffin, Ingmar Johansson and Rod Laver.

In the 1980′s with the help of her husband Marv, former head of advertising and promotion for Hallmark Cards, Sally returned to art and writing in a big way. Along with her own products — her gift art and original paintings — she branched out into licensing. Her designs and verse found their way into lines of greeting cards for American Greetings, plus collections of wallpaper, ceramics, mugs and even T-shirts. Now her art dances across thousands of products including clothing, purses, children’s books and even baby bibs. Her paintings and gift art brighten walls and uplift hearts in homes, office buildings, restaurants and hotels everywhere. One piece even graced the walls of the White House.

Today Sally Huss is considered one of the leading artists/designers in the country, in many cases combining her writing with her art. This has resulted in a number of books for children and THE HAPPY BOOK published by Ten Speed Press. Her most recent book, The Law of Attraction: HOW TO GET YOUR MAN — The Slam-Dunk Formula to Getting the Love of Your Life, is taking off in popularity as people recognize the wisdom it reveals in the light-hearted manner that it is presented.

This ability to combine writing and art has also taken her into newspaper syndication with King Features for her illustrated panel called “Happy Musings” that has appeared in such papers as The Detroit Free Press, The Orange County Register, The Desert Sun and others.

For years, as a speaker to women’s business and social groups, sports associations and charity gatherings, Sally has shared her happy and inspirational story. Always positive, fun and enlightening, her words empower and inspire those who hear her.

Sally is founder of Sally Huss, Inc., a 25 year-old California corporation, encompassing licensing, merchandising activities and syndication through King Features.

Here is the link for the downloadable pdf Press Kit. For press releases and recent articles, please click here.
HOW TO CONTACT US

Phone:  858-212-1841
Email: press@sallyhuss.com

My Life is Like a Movie

Mom & Evie, Feb 2010, Photo by Michael Conner

January 3, 2006    

My Mom was a University professor in her working years, and before that the Music Coordinator for 30+ elementary schools in Eugene, Oregon.  A bright and talented woman.  A single Mom since I was 12, she raised three beautiful and talented daughters and contributed so much to her community.  She has little or no short term memory these days and it is a miracle that she’s able to live in independent living in a retirement home with two meals a day in the dining room, but no other assistance other than her two daughters who live near.  Her cultivation of good habits in her 85 years is the reason I think she’s able to live independently.  She gets up, makes her bed, takes a shower, washes her hair, dresses appropriately and fixes her own breakfast.    

As sad as it is that Mom has no short term memory, I look for and find blessings of dementia that may not be apparent at first.  I know there are many people in her situation and many much worse off, suffering the ravages of Alzheimer’s.  Thankfully, my Mom does not have Alzheimer’s. My writing about the Blessings of Dementia in no way minimizes or ignores the challenges of those much worse off, or the challenges of their families and caregivers.  My writing about the blessings I see is just one way of seeing the glass as half full that allows me to enjoy some “sweet time” with her, instead of time dragged down with sadness.    

Added on January 22, 2008:    

I have come to see that lacking some capacities, whether physical or mental, in no way diminishes one’s gifts, nor one’s learnings.    

There are times these days when Mom asks the exact same question over and over.  I’ve counted 37 times in 25 minutes while driving her to the retirement home.  One of the things I’ve learned is that the TRUE GIFT is MY ability and willingness to just answer the question without upset however many times it is asked.  I’ve been working with myself and I’m good these days for about 20-25 repetitions of the same question in a short period of time.  After that I still sometimes want to throw myself against the wall.  But it’s the meaning I put on it that’s the problem – all she’s doing is asking a question repetitively.    

In my writing I’ll share some of the Blessings of Dementia that I’ve seen for myself.  I don’t pretend to have answers, but this perspective allows me to spend quality time with my Mom. My intention is to offer a new way of looking that might be useful to my readers. Seeing these Blessings has meant everything to me and my relationship with my sweet Mom.    

******************************************************************************************************************************   

Karen Taylor-Good is a motivational speaker, author, singer and Grammy-nominated songwriter. She was the guest artist at my church in 2010 and she is truly amazing. She has written many songs that have been adopted as “flagship songs” for charitable organizations, including Childhelp USA, The Compassionate Friends and the National Hospice Foundation. Blending musical accomplishment with tender comfort, her music and her words have brought joy and solace to listeners around the world. Her songs have been recorded by Melissa Manchester, Al Jarreau, Collin Raye, Patty Loveless, Nana Mouskouri and numerous other artists worldwide.   

As a vocal artist, Karen has been heard on national radio and television jingles for United Airlines, Taco Bell, Peter Pan Peanut Butter, McDonalds and others. She has recorded with such notable performers as Dolly Parton, Al Green, Willie Nelson, Kenny Rogers & George Jones. As a solo artist, she has had 9 nationally-charted singles.   

She currently lives in Tennessee. Listen to this sweet clip of her song “On Angel’s Wings” that she wrote when her own mother was suffering with Alzheimers. She has given permission for my website visitors to listen to this clip. Visit her website for much more information including her amazing program for caregivers called “Nurture the Nurturers”  www.karentaylorgood.com   

On Angels Wings Clip (click here to listen to a clip of Karen’s song about dementia)

HAZEL BELLE ABEL (1908 – 1999)

I was in my “formative” years and she was an icon in my life. Uncle Willard was one of the founders of Western International Hotels, which later became Westin.  Westin became a client of mine many years later, well after Uncle Willard had died but I guess that was my own doing. Together with Eddie Carlson, Lynn Himmelman, Gordon Bass and Harry Mulliken, they formed an amazing chain of hotels and they were an inspiration to many.  I spent weekends with Hazel and Willard for a couple of years and I’m sure Willard told me a hundred times “Don’t worry about things you can’t change”. Wise advice. Willard also was a grand example of the  importance of integrity and keeping one’s word. To the degree that Willard taught me about business, Hazel taught me about life. Thankfully, I learned at an early age the importance of knowing that we “are all one”….and that whether we’re “management’ or the “worker bees”….that no one is any better than anyone else.

Hazel and Willard had visited nearly every country in the world and I loved to hear their stories and look at their “treasures” from all corners of the world.  Looking back, I realize that I never dreamed about travelling the world like they had….I never even considered that it was possible for me. Looking back today, I see that I have also travelled the world. This is truly a miracle of its own.   

I was lucky enough to travel on weekends now and then with Hazel and Willard. They would be given the Presidential Suites at Westin Hotels and “red carpet treatment”. I remember staying in Tricia Nixon’s bedroom at the Century Plaza Hotel in Los Angeles – the Suite was on the top floor and had a grand piano and fireplace and was by far the nicest “digs” I’d ever experienced. Years later I was lucky enough to be given the Presidential Suite on the top floor of the Westin Hotel Seattle for 5 nights – on my own merits, with nothing to do with Hazel & Willard. Back in the late 60s I couldn’t even have imagined or dreamed of the life that I now have.

I remember staying at the best suite at the amazing Awahnee Hotel at Yosemite. I was sent to the airport in a limo once…whereas at home in my modest studio apartment in San Francisco I didn’t even have a car. We were treated like royalty, and yet Hazel & Willard were always “one with the people”. Being “important” or “having status” never meant anything to them. Aunt Hazel taught me to go down the hall at the hotel to find your maid – and introduce yourself. She would say “Hello – I’m Mrs. Abel in Room 1403. Thank you for taking care of us during our stay here.” She would give them a sincere, grateful smile, and a tip of a dollar or two right then, instead of waiting until the end of the stay.  Very wise. They always formed relationships whether with the executives or “the help”. They were down to earth, generous people with a healthy respect for all people. Very wise indeed and I aspire to live my life following their example. After Uncle Willard died and Hazel was in her twilight years, she would occasionally get dispirited. I called her often and still went down to spend the weekend when I could. So did cousins Cathy and Cindy. Hazel lived alone on 40+ acres and didn’t get out much. She and I decided to have our own private “book club” – so I’d get two books and mail one to her. We’d then talk on the phone about the book and do our best to solve the issues of the day and the problems of the world.

Learning to Receive  

Every year or two I would send her a long letter pouring out my gratitude for what I had learned from her. When I had business in the Bay Area, I’d spend a weekend with her and I fondly remember taking her for a ride in a rental car – a red Mustang convertible. She wanted the top down as we drove to Bodega Bay, and her silver white hair was streaming in the wind and she had just the biggest smile on her face.  After lunch we’d always stop for a couple of bags of Salt Water Taffy and she would unwrap them and hand them to me one at a time as I drove home and we’d giggle about how great life was and how much we loved each other. 

My husband John died on January 23, 1999.  Hazel adored John and  was upset that God would have taken him at his age 54 when she was 90 and so ready “to go” any time. Shortly thereafter she had a serious health incident where she almost died from sepsis. I went to see her soon after she came home from the hospital. As was our custom, we’d sit around in our nightgowns talking about the “state of the world” and somewhere in there she asked me why I thought she was “still here”. I said that I thought she still must have something to learn. She asked what could it possibly be, and I said “For many years I’ve poured my heart out trying to tell you the difference you’ve made in my life and I don’t think you have ever heard me. You’d always say “Oh go on Evie, I’m not THAT great. So I told her I thought she would not be allowed to “move on” until she heard what I had to say.  She looked rather sheepish and related a story from the 1920s or 1930s when her son’s violin teacher in Santa Barbara told her she needed to learn to receive. Swallowing her pride and with an open heart, sitting there in her nightgown, she said “OK Evie, tell me once again and this time I will try to hear you”.   So I told her one more time and thanked her for what she had taught me, and for always believing in me no matter what. She listened intently and this time I believed she had heard me at last.  

A few weeks later I received the news that she had died. She had worried about dying  alone in her home and not being found, yet she wanted to be at “Windy Hill Farm”  that she loved.  Apparently she hadn’t been feeling well and asked a neighbor to take her to the doctor. She got herself up and situated on the examining table and the doctor came in and said “Tell me Mrs. Abel, what seems to be the problem?” She opened her mouth to speak and had a massive heart attack, dying instantly right there on the table.  The poor doctor was beside himself and rightly so – but I had learned from the death of my beloved husband that learning to receive just might be every person’s greatest challenge. So I couldn’t help but break in to a smile, knowing that she had heard me at last.  I have a “Very Great Aunt Hazel Angel” now.  No wonder I am forever being upgraded and taken care of so well wherever I travel in the world. How grateful I am to have spent time with my Very Great Aunt Hazel and Very Great Uncle Willard.

Wilderness Concepts Photo is the brainchild and second profession of former practicing Veterinarian, Dr. Larry Friedman, a widely recognized photographer, accomplished in landscape, floral, commercial and portrait photography. His landscape gallery includes Grand Teton National Park, Yellowstone National Park, Flaming Gorge National Recreation Area in Northeast Utah and Southwest Wyoming, Upstate New York, as well as the images of the history and beauty of Wyoming. He is now living in the Chicago area.

Larry’s floral images demonstrate the art of macro photography and the impressionistic views of flowers illustrate his creativity. He has graciously offered to let me post his floral images on the Wiseelder website.  Dr Larry has been an “internet friend” of mine for many years, and we have never met.  All of his images are offered for purchase as canvases or prints. Please enjoy his website and contact him for pricing information.

Website: www.wildernessconceptsphoto.com

Email:     wildernessconcepts@comcast.net

Wilderness Concepts Photography

Larry Friedman D.V.M.
337 Satinwood Ct. South
Buffalo Grove, IL 60089

847-383-4402  1-800-340-1845
Cell 847-340-1841

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My sweet friend Waunita has been a neighbor for many years. I’ve given her various names over the years – I’ve called her my “Plantation Manager” because as a Master Gardener, she helped teach me about plants and flowers, helping me learn about taking care of things outside. Growing plants and flowers and making one’s yard beautiful is her passion. I also gave her the name ”Duco” once, because every neighborhood needs someone who “glues everybody together”.  I have seen her be THAT kind of person on many occasions. Waunita lost her beloved husband many years ago and she is a THREE TIME cancer survivor. As though that’s not inspiration enough….I asked her a  few of my favorite questions and here are her answers:

Q:  Looking back from where you are at age 80+, what is the most important lesson you’ve learned?

A:  ”Don’t take yourself too seriously.”

Q:  If you could pass on one thing to those younger folks who follow – something that you wish you had learned or realized sooner – what would that be?  

A:  “You should not always insist on being right”.

Q:  What brings you happiness and joy & makes life worth living?

 A: “Seeing little kids happy, and seeing nice people getting along”.

Waunita has been such a great example for me- and she has taught me so many things, whether about soil, or plants, cleaning up after oneself, or finishing the job. As she says “If you don’t take the time to do it right the first time, how will you ever find time to do it over again”. Indeed! Waunita is another of my favorite Wise Elders and I am grateful for her sense of humor and her wisdom.